Men, Women, and "Investments"

On occasion my Dearly Beloved will come to me saying that she wishes to "invest" in a new pair of shoes (or similar product).  For a moment my heart will brighten with the expectation that she has found a new way to supplement the family finances.  Then reality dawns.  We are having one of those classic Genderspeak moments...

Simply put, "to invest" means to move existing capital in the hope of generating a profit either through periodic dividends or increased sale price of assets.  If you have no realistic expectation of a financial return, what you have isn't an Investment, it's an Expense - you have spent your resources on a product or service to suit your needs or wants.  The persistence of my wife to use the language of Investment to describe expenditure on accessories has been a continual source of bafflement.  I haven't taken a survey, but I'd be willing to wager there are other men out there who have had similar feelings.

Then the light dawned - what was at stake (for She Who Must Be Obeyed at least) was not so much WHAT money was to be spent on, but HOW they money was to be spent.  This was a question of Gender Philosophy, not economics.

Investments are usually matters of family consultation, as they involve sacrificing short-term wealth for eventual satisfaction.  You may put your savings down on a house that will last you until retirement, but this will mean that the ski trip to Hokkaido may have to wait until the mortgage is paid off.  In these situations, all interested parties must be informed and supportive of any use of family funds for investment purposes.  The Female Of The Species sees this as a perfectly applicable model for her discretionary spending.  Her purchase of a $400 handbag this year will mean that she does not have to buy four $150 handbags over its working lifetime.  The woman will see the benefits of having an item that best suits her needs, the pleasure of owning the same, and the reduction of conversations on the topic of Having Nothing To Wear/Carry as sufficient grounds to identify it as an Investment.  And since Investments are for the benefit of The Many rather that The One, its almost like not spending money at all!  The man will see the situation for the Lose-Lose it really is, but if he is wise he'll hold his tongue.

Men, by contrast, never classify their purchases as Investments.  Men are happy to simply Spend Money.  Often lots of money.  On stupid things.  Without even bothering to consult their conjugal partners.  Here's how it works...

Men are merely Big Little Boys.  Little Boys need Toys.  Therefore, Big Little Boys need Big Toys.  Big Toys cost Big Money.  Therefore, a Man who spends thousands of dollars on motorcycles, jet skis, golf clubs, guitars, and other life necessities without discussing it with his Significant Other is merely meeting the needs of his kind.  The value is simply in the enjoyment of the item rather on the potential resale price or how it will affect the children's food budget for the next 5 years.  So when The Man comes home with a Guess What I Just Bought grin on his face, he will be genuinely astonished that his life partner's natural reaction will consist of Stony Silence and Slammed Bedroom Door.

What we need is a shift in the language of Expense Justification from both sides.  Here's what I propose:

Ladies - "Investment" language will not only confuse your Man, such doublespeak is more likely to raise his blood pressure than decrease it.  Instead, when you bring home a new purchase, simply tell him, "I bought this today.  Isn't it pretty!"  The Man will understand this - The Woman needs clothes/shoes/accessories on a regular basis and they like pretty things.  Therefore, such a purchase is natural.  If the Man is smart, he will have already carved out space in the budget so the issue of cost won't occur to him unless YOU make the mistake of suggesting it using "Investment" language.

Gentlemen - By all means, spend your money on the framed 1991 Wallabies jersey for the Pool Room.  However, you are going to have to provide some justification to the Woman when you get it home.  Don't make the mistake of thinking you can just sneak it into the house.  You're going to need an Excuse.  It doesn't have to be a GOOD Excuse, it just needs to be something plausible so that the money spent can be moved in her mind from Waste to Capital Expenditure.

Once you as a couple have established the lowest common denominator to justify ongoing outgoings, both Man and Woman can continue spending with impunity, at least until the bank account is dry and the debt collectors come knocking.  But even if you don't get to keep the Burberry handbag and the new surfboard, at least you have the comfort of knowing that your game of Mutually Assured Financial Destruction has strengthened the bonds of marriage for you both.  Now that's an Investment worth making!